Knowing When I Need A Time Out

      

      

 

 

 

 

Real Hope For Couples Conflict

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Knowing When I Need A Time Out!

This is the most important skill to acquire for
people in volatile or argumentative relationships.

            In working with couples in conflict or with people who can lose control of their anger for 30 years, I’ve heard many times the following statement, “I just can’t seem to catch myself BEFORE I say something mean, or do something aggressive that I later regret. I just need a two second window of time for me to think before I say or do something.”

So, I’ve created this exercise to help you get that ‘two second window’ of time to think before you speak or act. This ‘Canary in the coal mine’ tool is a warning system that you use to become aware that you need to take a Time Out NOW! This ability to catch oneself before saying or doing something more damaging to self, or others, is the most sought after skill, that the men in my group wish they had.

Of course, this only works when you already know that YOU are the only person you can  control. And, you are no longer using justification to rationalize your behaviors

This exercise is a follow-up for the ‘Time Out Agreement’

When doing this exercise, remember that withdrawing emotionally, such as stone-walling and showing no emotion can also be felt to be hostile or punishing by your partner. Even when you think you’re doing it defensively or because it feels hopeless to speak.

 

            Focusing only on yourself, circle the following thoughts, feelings, behaviors, and sensations you
            experience just before losing control: 

I Start Thinking:	S/he’s trying to make me mad.   S/he knows how & just wants to push my buttons.   I know I’m wrong but I keep defending.   This is outrageously unfair!   S/he’s just not going to get it.   S/he’s just crazy!   Thinking I know what will hurt him/her. It doesn’t matter what I say.	How angry do I have to get to get this across?. Disorientation. I can’t think- Racing thoughts I’ve got to out of here. I’m out of control! S/he’s just not listening. S/he is just mean! How can s/he hink that ___ .   Thinking ‘Here we go again,   for the hundredth time!’   Fuck it! I don’t give a shit- I      don’t care what happens!	I don’t care what you think. Thinking only about how wrong the other is.S/he’s not leaving this room until I finish!S/he won’t let me leave the room!     This isn’t like me to act this way.   S/he doesn’t care at all about me or just wants to hurt me.   Visualizing attacking the other.   Thinking what will hurt the other.   I just don’t understand what’s got him or her so mad.
I Start Feeling:	Emotional and physical numbness. Fear of other.   Scared of what you, or other, may do next. Feeling misunderstood	Guilt or shame that I’ve hurt him or her.   Feeling innocently crucified.   Righteous Anger Overwhelmed/Flooded.	Rage Feeling Cornered Powerlessness Hopeless frustration. I’m a victim.
I Get Sensations of:	Feeling a tight chest. Dry mouth. Dizzy I get a rush of adrenaline. Heart racing. Rising electricity running up my body that will explode.	Tunnel vision. Flushed cheeks. Hot Face. Nearing an explosion. Stomach gets tight. Numbness- Like in a dream. Head, neck, or stomach pain.	Closed fists. Sweating.     Headaches.   Nausea. Stiffness or Rigidity. I start breathing faster. I stop breathing. I breathe slower.
I Start Behaving:	Cursing Trembling Angry insults. Interrupting. Ending the relationship Saying ‘Shut up!’ Pointing my finger Repeating myself.	Pounding tables, doors/walls Rolling my eyes Screaming/yelling Eye Twitching Say something I don’t mean. Looking at the door or clock. Not moving at all. Rattling cupboards/dishes	Threatening Mocking Hostile name-calling Getting in her face Throwing things Pacing Sealing up/numbing Leaning in toward other.

Add your own _____________________________________________________________________

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Where is the line that you will draw about what behavior of yours is inexcusable and unacceptable to YOU? What’s your limit regarding your own behavior? When would you want to see yourself stopping an unproductive argument? Can you see yourself being the one who says, “This is unproductive. Let’s take a Time Out.”? What shows more control? Blowing your stack? Or, taking a Time Out? Or doing what you usually do? What is it that you do not want to see yourself doing? And what’s your limit about the other’s behavior? It’s easy to think that the trouble in using Time Outs is in getting the other person to respect it. One would think that the person hearing their partner say, “I need a Time Out.’ might have trouble honoring their word and to let the other leave the room. But, in my experience, it’s very hard to get the person who is scared or typically feels abused to call out the Time Out phrase. So at what point will you say, “I need a Time Out, I’ll be back in an hour.”? And then leave the room yourself.

 

My cues that I am starting to lose control are:

 

I start thinking _____________________________________________________________________

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I start feeling ______________________________________________________________________

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My body cues (sensations) are__________________________________________________________

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I start behaving (or saying)____________________________________________________________

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Some people will take these skills and their relationships will improve. Most people need a little more information, help, and training to fully understand the concepts and to want to stick to the guidelines.

 

Think of the number of hours of tense or distant evenings you’ve spent being angry with your partner. The time you put into practicing and learning these skills, will be more than made up for by the future pleasant moments and evenings together! More at RealHope.com Blog.   Skype/Phone coaching with Marc go HERE.