Give Up Needing To Be Heard First… In Order To Become Heard
Stop Talking… So That You Can Be Heard
Being able to balance focusing on your partner’s thoughts and feelings with your own is an emotional intelligence skill. Sometimes the problem is that you may not put your needs or requests out there to your partner, until you’re so upset that you blow up or withdraw. Other times, it is because your partner just will not give you the space, or time or attention to what you think, feel and want. The Power and Compassion Couples Communication Course can help with both of these problems.
Surrender your right to be heard first, so that your partner becomes capable of listening to you. It seems odd that to become heard by your partner; your best approach is to give up your need to be heard first!
The Power and Compassion Couples Communication Course outlines how to thoroughly listen to an angry or hurt partner, so that your experience is given the full space for expressing.
St. Francis of Assisi wrote a thousand years ago,
“Seek first to understand others before seeking understanding for yourself.
Seek first to give comfort to others before seeking comfort for yourself.”
This advice is more than simply spiritual in nature. It is really very, very practical as a way to proceed with anyone you are having a conflict with who you’d like to eventually listen to you. Listen to what seems important, and to what seems a problem to the other. Address those issues and then speak your experience, thoughts, feelings, needs and requests.
Sounds simple, but for many people, they just cannot keep their mouths shut past the moment they think they hear something they disagree with. The skill here is to ‘wrestle your lips to the ground.’ Couples that are easily triggered by each other may need some external structure like the popular ‘Listening Exchange’ method. The instructional cards are shown to the left.
This is your standard Active Listening instructions you might read about in any communication skills manual, or eventually hear at most marriage counseling sessions’ with just a few tweaks from me based on my experience. Small changes in the protocol include keeping the speaker generally limited to no more than one minute at a time of speaking before the Listener reflects what was said. There are specific instructions for allowing a Listener to interrupt a Speaker and there is an agreement that includes a trigger phrase that both parties agree upon that can initiate the ‘Listening Exchange’ at any time!
Just think about it. Any time you want you can say a sentence that you and your partner agreed will allow BOTH of your points of view to be fully aired in a safe way.
Download a free .pdf of the instructions for
practicing the Listening Exchange.
See more free tips & resources HERE.
When I know better, I do better!
‘Talk About Difficult Subjects Without Interruption’ – and other Free Podcasts HERE!
Loving couples argue too!